Listening to my Indie Friday playlist to get me in an upbeat, I-will-conquer-this-surgery mood. I've got some ideas for tweaking it, but hope I don't forget them when I wake back up.
Real talk. I will do what it takes to survive. Even if I can't buy my house yet. But I will have a large garden, and next year I will have bees. I have a new nephew I adore. A niece who I love to pieces and who shows me all kinds of affection and wonder.
I don't have any romantic love prospects. I'm not going to let that stop me from my house and the garden and the bees. I will do all those things with fierce passion and persistence. But I still have strong feelings for him. Anything can happen in surgery. So know that I love you. Know that I regret our decision, that I would work so hard to get you back and be the best for you. Would, because the one thing I won't let myself do is chase someone who doesn't want me with this much passion, love, and desire to build a companionship worthy of us. I loved you the most. But not the best I could have. I know that now.
I miss you all the time, often for unknown reasons. I feel like I'm missing part of myself. Or like without you I close off part of myself. People always say they knew their spouse was the one because they made them a better person. I'm not sure if that's quite it. I think together they are just able to be their full selves and that makes them feel better.
I don't know. There's so much I could say but my IV bag is almost empty and I don't want them to see me like this when they take me back to surgery. I pray for strength in all this.
Labels: surgery
posted by Songs of Love at 12:36 PM