Wednesday, November 7, 2018
There are really so many shades of gray. I just want a light blue that can pass as neutral to backdrop all my bathroom selfie photos. Am I right? Or a positive, serene space to watch my body slowly age, wrinkle, stretch in.

I can see the faint, pale scar along the lines of my darker new one. I remember how it had freckled, so close to normal. My doctor cut along the same basic line for all three surgeries. I’m not sure if it will ever lighten back into my ghostly palour, ever get confused and blossom little tan specks. I have an oil to reduce its appearance. It’s slippery and gross and disgusts me a little having to rub it in little circles over the thick skin. But according to the label I can use it on stretch marks too!

I have another appointment coming up with my dermatologist to reassess my moles and skin and so I can ask more questions about skin care. My mother never taught me how to apply make-up or what age to start lotioning your neck to prolong smooth skin. I’ve found so many mothers have faultered on this issue. Aging is such a weird thing. You’re young and then you’re not. You have all this time, time to kill, to study life and pursue passions - and then you never have enough. Maybe there’s some full circle feeling in parenthood that is supposed to give this all a purpose or place.

Anyway, I need to pick a paint color for my new bathroom. I need to choose the exact color for all the rooms really, but didn’t have this on my to do list until the week of Thanksgiving. It’s not like I’m going to buy a bunch of paint and store it here until closing. But I have been offered a gift and so bows the time. A pale green seems out of place, too close to feeling sick. I like soft blues, but there are so many options, even when you restrict the search to one brand. Sometimes I wish I was more direct. That I could make a decision about a color in less than five minutes instead of having the weight of my indecision boring into me. It’s not even that I need more time to analyze, I’m just usually not sure. Like how I can extend this paragraph while saying nothing at all.

Ending on a positive note - You Think It, I’ll Say It by Curtis Sittenfield is an easy read to help anyone struggling to meet their reading goal. It’s a compilation of short stories and they’re so good! I’ve found something to relate to in each piece. Her prose just makes you feel like there’s someone out there who sees you, and you’re not the only one, and cheers to that.

Also TPC feels like an album from my boyfriend and I love it. It’s nice to hear Tokyo Police Club mature in the same manner as me. Their new album still has that sound of a guy (or band) that I would date. Not with traditional love songs, but like songs for me. Songs for a girl with a Degrassi past or something. :)
posted by Songs of Love at 11:35 PM |

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